No Question. I'm a Tyrant, Too!
Cheri Baker's latest posting on her Enlightened Manager blog for sure got me thinking. And inspired me to leave a comment.
Then later, I gave further thoughts to what I'd said. I liked it enough to bring it to post myself...with a little more detail.
Cheri's point is that one of our biggest sources of learning can be the people we have most difficulty working with.
They give us examples of how "not" to behave certainly, but they also teach us about our own responses to conflict, frustration, and roadblocks. They force us to measure our words carefully, to choose our battles, and to learn to find areas of common ground with people that we don't agree with. They teach us that staying true to our integrity and our values can sometimes come at a cost, and they force us to examine if we are willing to pay it.
I completely agree, but...
When someone makes me angry or afraid or disappointed or defensive or pick-an-emotion, I am not right then receptive to discovery and learning and self-improvement. My emotions have to settle before I'm in learning mode. Now, I may be unique that way, but I'll bet not all that unique.
Not so long ago I discovered a technique that lets me move from emotions back to reason a little faster. Why is that good? The sooner I can get there the sooner I can learn from what's happened and the sooner work progresses in a productive, full-attention manner.
I'm thinking this applies to your folks and their teams: get over it, learn from it, get on with it.
The Technique: When I come up against someone's "tyrannical" behavior, I ask myself, "Do I do that?"
Sometimes I don't think I do, and then I go with my follow-up question: "What have I done like that?"
I can always think of some time, some way, some thing I've said or done every bit as ornery as what I've just experienced from someone else. Always.
The more I use the technique, the more automatic it's becomes as a behavior response. And the faster I become at defusing my emotional response, looking at the other's behavior (somewhat) objectively, and learning from it.
The Implementation: If you want to give your people access to this technique because (a) you want them to learn from the good and the bad and (b) it will contribute to their continuous growth as individuals and as team players, you may be asking, "How do I introduce and implement the technique?"
Fairly simple:
- Model It. In conversations with employees, share stories of when you asked those questions and how it worked for you. (Of course, that means you must practice it yourself before you tell how well it works!) Hearing how you asked the question(s), got past your emotions, and learned from the experience will have more impact when your people have witnessed the negative behavior first hand. But don't let that be a reason to wait to introduce the technique.
- Coach It. Once you've introduced the technique and your personnel are familiar with it, invite them to apply it. Don't offer the invitation out of the blue. When you learn that one of your people is bent by someone else's words or behavior, invite her to turn it into a learning situation. Offer the value-add of, "Here's a way you can get past your emotional reaction and into the what's-the-benefit mode..."
- Praise It. When one or more of your team members uses the technique, praise him for it. Praise his use of the process and praise whatever he may have learned as a result. To have the opportunities to praise your people, you'll need to invite them to share success stories. That means making "how can we learn from the bad as well as the good" a front-of-mind awareness...and a frequent conversation item.
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